Broadcast backlog: not a functional place to be

I am at a point where I just want to throw my hands up and quit, because I don't seem to be growing in the way I think I should be. I don't see that I am learning from my past inspiriences. I am still fronting and being phony as a way to not work on the lessons I need to work on. I keep coming out with crap expecting reflections to accept it and when they tell me I am full of crap I get offended, feel attacked and want to close off. I am still not accepting my product by running from it and getting upset. I feel like I have to prove something. I am battling with the concepts of being vulnerable and weak, giving myself credit and not wanting to be where I am. I want to lash out physically and cut off my hair as a form of release/escape from the lesson. When I do submit to the lesson, I am doing it in duality. I see the work I have to do and I see it as too much/too hard. I look at my insecurities and esteem issues and don't know how to overcome them. I just want to quit. I need someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be alright, because I am afraid.

What has gotten me to this point? My lack of broadcasting to my absolute intentions. What do I do? State my purpose. My purpose Knowledge of Self. What are the objectives (steps) to get there? One of my objectives has been working on the negro menu, the substance of a negro. I broadcasted to the universe, a question last night before I went to bed. The question was, "What are the processes of the substance of a negro?" I had an inspirience with self today and last night that has brought me to an awareness, I have been projecting the answer to this very question.

My answer came through my lack of broadcasting to my absolute intentions. Some of the forms of the processes of a negor's substance, duality, is to: fake and front like I know what I'm doing as not to be looked as as weak or stupid, not to take responsibility and want to blame or give an excuse instead of submitting to the lesson, separating and going off 'by myself ', to prove 'I can do it alone', get defensive, fly off the handle, and quit only to face the same lesson over and over again, but the negro thinks the inspiriences are different and if ignored long enough it will just go away. A negro wants to be rescued/saved from the work and just wants to sit back and do nothing. A negro is scared, and doesn't want to face the fear or the cause of the fear. A negro can't stay focused on tasks without have a form of a slave master to "make me do it." When the negro feels threatened, no more safety zone, a negro rushes around to hurry up and do the work that's been avoided, to make it look like something is being done. Since this is where I am, I asked what do I do? Orientate.

All in all these forms are the displays of one major process of duality, safety/risk, with the known/unknown process being a result of why I choose to do what I think is safe. From a duality perception, I can easily say then I need to step into risk, but my purpose is not to stay in duality it is to be in the one-ness. So I must project and absorb the substance of the one-ness. The way to do that is to orientate the definitions I have for:

safety- substance: escaping, securing, locking, protecting

form: person, thing, oneself

risk- substance: endangering, losing, injuring, chancing, exposing

form: oneself

Now from this definition, I must also look up the definition of oneself, and it is not to be mistaken for the infinition of "self ".

oneself- substance: unaccompaning, withdrawing, owning

form: himself, herself, individual

From this definition, it shows that "oneself " is referring to male and female as individuals. Both of these words have more than one form establishing that the concept that is substantiating the word is a duality concept. So I ask, "Can this word be an infinition, which is a word that has the one-ness concept substantiating it?" No, because once the form is orientated to the archetype of self...
... looking at the definitions, how can I: escape self, secure self, lock self, protect self, endanger self, lose self, injure self, chance self, or expose self. None of these things make any sense when "self " is the only existing energy in the one-ness. So these words are not able to be made into infinitions. I have to replace them with a one-ness word, and the word will be:

growth- substance: absorbing, projecting, anabolizing, catabolizing

form: self

When looking at safety/risk these process surface as a result of a point of growth being faced. So I have been choosing safety for fear if I take a risk I won't grow or I have an expectation of how the growth will affect me. But in the one-ness growth is taking place through absorption/projection whether it is anabolic/catabolic. So, growth would be the word to replace for safety/risk.

Now, as I look back on where I am, I see that the key to my non-functional conceptual disorder is orientation. Now, what is the next step after being orientated into the one-ness? Introspection. Asking the questions: How did I get the concept of safety/risk embedded in my processes? How was I endoctrinated with the concept of duality? What was the cause of the mechanisms of quitting, running, cutting my hair, competition, and negrodom (laziness) begin? When did I first use these mechanisms? Are they in my family's genes? I could go on and on.

Don't think I am a pro at orientation. Not by any means. Thinking that way is giving myself credit and will allow for my growth but in the catabolitic duality concept with the rest of the negroes in the demo. I must and will keep applying my orientation steps and broadcasting to my absolute intentions to self my reflections at AWI.